So Long We Both Are Aware of That
by Guardian of Jupiter
Summary: Just a short story. Maybe two or three chapters. I just couldn't stop thinking about it! GojyoXHakkai
1. Denial?

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Standard disclaimer applied 

Review, review… please read and review! Thanks! ^_^ 

So Long We Both Are Aware of That 

* * * * * * 

"The day couldn't get any peaceful than this, could they Gojyo?" A soft voice laced with smile echoed through the silent evening. 

A striking redhead tipped his head sideway toward the brunette beside him, curving up the infamous smirk as he slowly pulled out the nearly burned out cigarette off his lips. Leisurely taking his time to grind the cigarette with his feet, Gojyo ran his hand through his luxurious (both in color and thickness) hair. It had grown longer ever since he cut it short. "Yeah…if you counted out that nosy neighbors of our, gossiping like some fucking paparazzi!" 

As usual, as Gojyo expected, a soft laughter replied his remarks. Then they both kept on walking side by side, enjoying the sight of crimson and brown leaves fell artlessly around them. "I thought those remarks don't bother you." Hakkai asked. Two years after Hakkai decided to live with Gojyo, both of them had caused quite a stir in that town. Two very good-looking guys lived under one roof was probably ordinary. But the fact that skirt-chasing Gojyo had toned down his wild life-style, _coincidently_ after he had acquired a new housemate was too delicious to be let alone. 

A snort and then a remark. "They don't." That was Gojyo Hakkai knew. Straightforward, carefree, mouth with language that could give an old woman a heart attack, generous beyond comprehensive, an attitude that expressed 'I-don't-give-a-shit-of-what-you-think and totally, undeniably way too sexy for the sake of his huge ego. (Not that Hakkai could say that out aloud) That was why, Hakkai guessed, that he felt most comfortable to be with the half-breed. Gojyo would never cross the line, as if he saw it, demanding something that Hakkai could never give in return. Gojyo probably wouldn't want him to think this, but Hakkai felt too indebted to him. 

"So long we both know that we aren't into that type of relationship, no one else matters. Who give a damn what other say, right?" Gojyo said casually, brushing another of fiery strands off his eyes. 

Hakkai just laughed. "Yeah. So long we both are aware of that…" But it was difficult. Who in this world could tear his eyes of his housemate with a body that sexy? A pair of crimson eyes that so deep; sometimes Hakkai felt those eyes could penetrate his carefully guided soul? A heart-stopping grin every time Hakkai did something that seemed pleasing in his eyes? And Hakkai seemed to pleased Gojyo too much. Or that vivid-color of his hair that endlessly inviting Hakkai to touch and play with it? 

A leaf swirled slowly from its home and fell onto Hakkai's head. "Hakkai…" 

Hakkai stopped, feeling his heart racing for no reason and turned his head toward his friend. Did he mention about his deep and husky voice and the way he said his name? Well, that too. 

Gojyo had the same grin he had wore ever since Hakkai had met him. Only his friend's grins were always sincere and straight from within and his smiles were always for masking his true feeling. (If his heart was still capable of feeling anything…) The brunette felt his brain went dead when his eyes met Gojyo's eyes. Always so red… so intense… so expressive… And then Gojyo raised his hand to, in Hakkai's assumption, caress his face. 

Hakkai had a wild impulsive to close his eyes and let him touch his face. It had been so long. His heart had been frozen for so long, hiding behind his smiles. He had never felt more than just 'want'. There were no such feelings like need, yearn or even carve. Never that intense… just safe, mild and easy-to-get-over feeling. And now, he had a 'wild impulsive'? Hakkai was on verge of doing just that. 

_So long we both are aware of that…_

The words echoed like a hammer on his illusive thoughts. _Yes, Gojyo. So long we don't go into that relationship. _And he smiled that plastic smile as he felt Gojyo's hand was not aiming toward his cheeks as Hakkai thought it would but on top of his head, retrieving the leaf. At that moment, Hakkai felt so foolish that thought he would blush! 

"There's a leaf on your head." Gojyo gave the leaf a little wave in front of Hakkai before threw the leaf away. Then, he turned back in front and resumed the walk. 

"Oi, Hakkai! Are you coming?" 

_Heartless…_ A thought suddenly spurted at the corner of Hakkai head, which amazed himself. Did he just call Gojyo heartless? Just because Gojyo didn't touch him like the way he 'ridiculously' carved him to? _My, this is bad. _Hakkai thought. _All these unstable emotional stances really are dangerous. _

"Yes," Hakkai replied and walked toward Gojyo. 

* * * * * * 

"So, Gojyo," Hakkai started casually during their dinner. "Are you going out tonight?" _Please, please. Please don't let Gojyo think I'm acting like a nagging wife like the neighbors said. _

"Yeah, why?" Gojyo replied through the mouthful of food. 

_Oh, it's nothing. It's just that I have this unpleasant feeling whenever you go out and to your womanizing and gambling things. _And Hakkai refused, he repeated, 'refused' to use the word 'jealous' to replace the word 'unpleasant feeling'. Instead, he said, "I'm going to sleep early tonight. Just to remind you to bring the keys before going out." Oh, the lie was so easy to utter, especially for someone who had been wearing a smile-mask for the last two years. 

Gojyo waited a few second to let the food slid down his throat before answering Hakkai. "Okay." He didn't think that he was going to be late tonight. That was bullshit. He had never been out late for so damned long. If he went out, it was only for gambling and got a few drinks before started back home. And he deliberately lingered between gambling and drinks, so when he got home it was reasonably late and Hakkai wouldn't have to know that his appeal for women had slowly ceased to exist. Gojyo had a housemate that was nosy and would demand an answer that he also didn't know. 

* * * * * * 

"Sha Gojyo…" A soft voice belonged to a woman seductively whispered into the half-drunk half-breed. The night was late, but not late enough to make Hakkai thought he had spent a night with a woman and Gojyo decided to spent the last hour drinking his head out in the same bar he had swept most of the customers' money. 

Gojyo looked aside and saw a pleasantly beautiful face of one of the bargirls. Even in this state, Gojyo hadn't lost the charm that never failed him to get a woman for a night. He curved up a smirk, tossed down the liquor down his throat and lifted his almost blurry eyes (from the effect of alcohol) to the woman. What was her name? Rei? Rain? Shit! He was so deep in the claw of alcohol that he couldn't think straight! 

The woman sat beside and leaned against Gojyo's body, letting the stunning man felt every soft curve of her body. "Are you alone tonight?" Another seductive whisper came out, which was enough to make Hakkai dropped his smile for a while. 

Alcohol screwed his senses bad and instead of dropping a few charming excuses like he did before, Gojyo lifted his thick-lashes eyes and gave the lady a sideway glance. "Depends to who is asking…" 

"I'm asking you," the woman batted her eyelashes and to Gojyo's pleasant discovering, the woman's eyes were green. Not as green or as intrigued as his housemate, but green however. Without thinking, Gojyo grasped the woman's cheeks and brought his lips down hers, impatiently exploring it. His senses were gone and his lust increased. 

Well, looked like all his worried about losing interest in woman was for nothing. Tonight, he felt the same lust, have a woman, whom he didn't even bother to get to know, and he definitely was going to get laid tonight. To hell with his monkish attitude for the last damn weeks! He was so damn hot that couldn't wait to get the woman upstairs and vent all his burning lust. He didn't know how he get the woman onto bed or how her clothes disappeared. All that he was aware off, his head was on air and the woman was biting and kissing his body like a hungry feline with a feral need. 

_Shit! That feels so damned good! _Gojyo thought. _I wonder if Hakkai kissed like this? If he have the same wild side underneath that damned fake smile…? _Gojyo was thinking incoherently as the liquor took control his mind. _If his beautiful, oh yes, huge, beautiful, haunting eyes would burn with desire…? If he would say my name without any reserved… without any of that fucking polite tone…? _

_So long we both are aware of that…_

Hakkai's words earlier that evening washed down through Gojyo's hot body like a bucket of cold water. Gojyo was immediately sober from both his drunkenness and lust. What the hell was he thinking? How could he fuck with this woman while his mind was wandering to Hakkai? Wondering if his body below the waist would be as pale and as smooth as his upper body? Or even wondering how it tasted if he kissed Hakkai's lips with his name tainted on them? Had he lost his fucking mind?! 

The woman gradually realized that Gojyo was slowly pulling himself away from her. "Gojyo…?" 

Gojyo looked down at the woman beneath him and noticed her eyes again. They were green. Was that the reason he had the sudden desire to sleep with her? Because she had a pair of eyes that were almost the same as Hakkai? That was damned pathetic of him! The fucking alcohol really had screwed his head hard. And Gojyo knew that if he continued, it would both unfair to the woman and to himself. The woman thought she was sleeping with Gojyo and Gojyo thought he was sleeping with Hakkai. He didn't even know her damned name! 

Gojyo closed his eyes as realization slowly washed through him. All these months, he had wondered what his restless soul was searching, was carving because women didn't appeal him like before. Drinking was only to make him forget his restlessness. He knew he had found the thing he had been searching for so long, only he couldn't see where was it. Now, Gojyo knew that the thing was living under the same roof with him and it shared his laughter and his daily fucking life! He had been so blind for the past two damned years and he was still in denial. Shit! He was really in deep shit. _So long we both are aware of that…_

Oh, shut the fucking up! 

"Sorry, sweetheart," Gojyo whispered and he leaned down to paste a kiss on her forehead. The woman's eyes were wide with confusion when she saw Gojyo got off the bed (the woman still unable to strip Gojyo off) and walked out of the room. Great… Gojyo groaned. If earlier Hakkai acted like a nagging wife, now he was acting like faithful husband! 

As Gojyo walked out of the bar, soberer than before, his mind took a wild race inside. Now, how to get himself out from this shit?! 

* * * * * * 

Hakkai spent the night tossing around the bed. Great, so much for sleeping early tonight… He thought dryly. If his mind could stop projecting all those images of Gojyo making love with someone else, maybe he could get the sleep he needed so much. But his eyes kept went astray to the door, expecting… hoping Gojyo would come back early and he could have a night peace after knowing Gojyo had survived the night without having sex with someone. 

Oh, this was hopeless! Hakkai sat up, feeling utterly frustrated and totally empty. The funny thing was, the black hole of emptiness was getting deeper and unbearable for each day he lived with Gojyo. At first, Hakkai thought the black hole inside him was because of Kana. And now, Hakkai wondered… The feeling was confusing and Hakkai knew that he definitely want Gojyo more than what they have right now. So very near and so very far… Though he wasn't planned to go as far as dropping off his mask and exposed himself to Gojyo. He wasn't ready. Two years were too soon and Hakkai was pretty certain that Gojyo didn't want to see his true self either. 

The green eyes twinkled dimly in the dark room. Gojyo's house was quite small. Not that he was complaining. The smaller it was, the easier for him to clean it up. To Hakkai, Gojyo was a man. Didn't care much about cleaning and cooking was his worst skill. There were too many about Gojyo that were appealing and achingly familiar, though Hakkai couldn't explain the ghostly feeling of déjà vu whenever he looked at Gojyo. Especially when he first Gojyo with his hair cut short, exposing the scars he had tried to hide for so long. The air of confidence around him at that day was invoking a part of memories that had been buried somewhere. Did he know Gojyo before? 

A distressed groan escaped. He had spent his sleepless nights thinking nothing but Gojyo. What he was doing right now, who was the lucky woman that was probably sleeping in his arms, when he was coming back, was he thinking about him at all… Those thoughts were driving him crazy. Maybe he was crazy. Crazy for thinking that way to the friend that had been so generous to him, giving and always giving. 

Then his ear heard something from the door. "Gojyo…" He whispered and a small smile curved up. Gojyo was back early tonight, he didn't spent the night with some women and Hakkai could have at least a peaceful sleep. Quickly, he closed his eyes, pretending to sleep. 

Gojyo stumbled his way in, cursing something about it-was-fucking-dark or something incoherent like that. The small space was immediately filled with the smell of alcohol and cigarette. From the bar, Hakkai guessed, still hiding behind his closed eyes. Then, he heard the unmistakable sound of Gojyo stripping off his clothes. His mind started to urge him to allow a peak so it could embed the sight of Gojyo's naked splendor within it. But instead of opening his eyes, a blush crept up his pale cheeks and Hakkai prayed with his whole heart, Gojyo wouldn't notice. 

_If I wasn't so fucking infatuated with my own housemate, I would have been fucking with that woman by now! _Gojyo thought furiously, leaving his pants on. _But nooo… I had to be so damned guilty that I couldn't do it and guess what, you faithful-for-nothing-bastard?! You're going to sleep alone again tonight. Why can't my damned hormone stay stable for a while?! _He was about to throw himself on the bed when his eyes irresistibly drawn to the sleeping figure of his sleeping housemate. 

_Bad move… _Gojyo thought. He knew that he shouldn't look at his housemate, especially when his lust wasn't properly spent. But like a darn fool, Gojyo he was, he walked towards Hakkai's bed and sat at the edge of his bed. 

Hakkai could hardly breathe for even though his eyes were tightly closed, he knew Gojyo had sat on his bed and his intense and fiery were devouring him. Naked or no naked, Gojyo's nearness affected his heart, his mind, his body and even his breathing! _Oh, my… _Hakkai thought when he heard his own breathing was getting heavier. _Gojyo will know I am pretending to sleep and he is going to laugh his head off! _Rejection from Gojyo was one thing but to be laughed and pitied by his dearest friend was something Hakkai couldn't take. 

Gojyo didn't see all that. He was blinded by the beauty that Hakkai beheld within him. The aching feeling was inside him again, tugging fiercely, insisting him to do something about it. _What the hell do you want me to do?! _Gojyo thought, never leave his eyes off Hakkai. He didn't know whether he was asking himself or Hakkai. And by an unknown force, Gojyo's hand moved towards Hakkai's face. Earlier this evening, he was doing the same thing but at that time, he forced his hand to remove the leaf. But now, Hakkai was asleep. No harm could be done…right? 

The moment Gojyo's hand touched Hakkai's pale cheek, Hakkai, who was had been both dreading and anticipating, felt the electrifying shock of Gojyo's touch. His eyes flew opened and they were both wide with surprise. Gojyo instantly drew back his hand as if Hakkai's skin burned him. 

Now that Hakkai finally opened his eyes, he took the opportunity to satisfy the curiosity that had been bugging his mind. Gojyo was topless but disappointingly, his lower part was still covered. _He had tried to touch me… oh, my… _Hakkai thought stupidly. Really, he could handle Gojyo's habit of untidiness, his loudness, and his carefree attitude. But the fact that Gojyo was gazing into his eyes with the color of red that was unfathomable and the fact that this was the first time he couldn't read what Gojyo was thinking, were totally un-expectable. He wasn't used to this. He wasn't even ready. 

_What the hell! _Gojyo thought. _Let him looks at me with those eyes. I'm going to touch him like I planned to do and both of us could handle this crap tomorrow! _The hand came back to Hakkai's cheeks and softly, Gojyo stroke the smooth complexion with his thumb. Inevitably, the thumb wandered to lips, wondering whether it would feel softer if he touched it with his lips instead. 

_Go and take what you want, Gojyo! _

_If I did, things would never be the fucking same again and I don't know if I want to go that way yet. _

_Fine. Go back to your bed and let it be just a fleeting dream! _

Gojyo would. Shit! He knew he would…if Hakkai stopped looking at him like that. Wanting and yet hoping it didn't happen. Battle raged in Gojyo's head and his thumb still lingered sensually on Hakkai's lips. 

_What the hell are you waiting for? _

What was he waiting for? A sign. Any sign from Hakkai. Gojyo hoped he had made his mind whether he wanted it or he unwanted it. 

But Hakkai just stared unblinkingly at Gojyo's eyes. His mind when dead and if it weren't for his thundering heartbeats, Hakkai was certain he had died. He couldn't think. He wanted to but couldn't. He tried to be practical, he always did and the practicality side in him told him to brush Gojyo's hand away and acted like nothing happened. Of course he could do that. But why another big part of him hoped Gojyo would take what he wanted? 

_Kiss me… kiss me… kiss me… _One part said. Go away… go away… go away… Another part said. And the former part shouted the loudest. 

As if Gojyo could hear Hakkai's inner voice, he curved up a smirk and kissed the lips he had carved for so damned long. He tasted of sweet liquor… perhaps it was wine… and a mysteriously refreshing taste of… toothpaste? No… Gojyo thought as he coaxed Hakkai to open his mouth wider as he went deeper. …Something like… his tongue explored all of Hakkai's mouth, licking the tempting cave… Ah, yes… mint. Sweet and refreshing. Just like him. Exactly like Hakkai that he knew. 

Hakkai put his hands on Gojyo's shoulders, as if he was supporting himself. From what, he didn't know. Probably from falling deeper into the sensuality that Gojyo so expertly wove around him. Funny thing was, the tighter he tried to hold, to brace to support himself the deeper he fell. How long did he want Gojyo to do this to him? It went way back… Maybe it was longer than two years… Maybe it was more than five hundred years… Maybe it was even more than that. 

_So long we both are aware of that… _

_Oh, shut up! _They both thought in unison. 

Gojyo instinctively rubbed his hardness against Hakkai's thigh. The lust that had simmered down considerably not long ago aroused hotly. _Much, much better…_ Gojyo thought. _Somehow, it felt so damned right and felt so damned familiar…_ Crazy, crazy thought too. 

He wanted it. Hakkai had certain he had wanted it too. All those tugging and aching feeling inside him and the contentment and happiness he felt whenever Gojyo was around were so real and disturbing. And now, Gojyo was on top of him, kissing him senseless in exact position he had dreamed Gojyo would do to him. So, what was wrong? The images of Kana were suddenly flashed in front of him like a projector. But it was all the images of Kana so brutally raped and then when she killed herself in front of… 

Hakkai was shaking, tried to call out Kana's name but his mouth was being kissed by Gojyo. He couldn't open his eyes… it was so real… he could feel the blood ran through his face, body… the air he breathed mingled sickeningly with metallic scent of blood. God… he wasn't ready… two years and he still wasn't ready… The trembling increased. 

Gojyo could feel Hakkai trembled beneath him. Eyes closed with intense disappointment. Hakkai hadn't expressed in more vivid way telling him that he wasn't ready and he couldn't find any enjoyment in his kiss. Trembling… shit! Was he that despicable?! Why was he always seemed to offend the people he wanted? Mother, Jien and now… Hakkai. Slowly Gojyo lifted his head and looked into Hakkai's, now opened and wide, eyes. 

"I know…" Gojyo said softly but loud enough to pull Hakkai away from the nightmare of his past. Anger and sadness filled obviously in his eyes; Gojyo didn't even bother to hide them. He wasn't a masquerader. He showed everything off to the world passionately and that was Gojyo he knew. "You should have told me to get the hell away before the damned kiss even started…" And Gojyo got out of Hakkai's bed. 

"Gojyo, I…" Hakkai sat up, knowing that his friend had mistaken him for the trembling. "I wasn't… you don't understand." 

Gojyo gave him a smirk and threw himself onto the bed. _Damn it! I knew I should have slept without looking at Hakkai first! _Turning away from Hakkai, Gojyo let out firm (firm enough for somehow whose pride hurt so much) words, "Maybe I don't. If I do, I would have never kissed you." 

"It's not what I mean," Hakkai started to get off his bed and the sound of rustling sheet, telling Gojyo that Hakkai was trying to get to him. 

"Go to sleep, Hakkai." Gojyo told him, still facing away from Hakkai. _Damn it! If I saw those haunting eyes again and that silly smiling mouth again, I might throw away my pride and continue that damned kiss! _"I'll bet by tomorrow we both will forget about this." 

_But I don't want to forget! _Hakkai thought, feeling frustrated. What he was supposed to say to Gojyo. That he was trembling because of nightmare from the past came and filled his mind while Gojyo was kissing him? That the nightmare was so dark that even two happy years with Gojyo couldn't lighten it up even a little? That he wanted to do things Gojyo miraculously wanted too, only he wasn't ready? 

"Gojyo…" 

"Stop it, Hakkai!" Gojyo ordered with more bite than he intended to. Couldn't he see he had shattered his pride enough? Hakkai was a bit startled because these times, Gojyo had never raised his tone to him. Realizing he had sounded harsh, Gojyo toned down his voiced. "Just forget about it… just go to sleep," 

Hakkai lie back and felt his heart were heavy with guilt and unexplainable feeling of regret. Time passed by and after countless time of restless sound from Gojyo's bed, Hakkai could hear his steady breathing, telling him that his housemate had finally found some sleep. _You couldn't get any foolish than this…_ Hakkai thought. _You've wanted Gojyo and when he came to you, you chased him away. Nice move…_

Well, how to fix this? He certainly couldn't go back to sleep and forget the whole thing like Gojyo suggested. He knew Gojyo couldn't too. When Gojyo claimed the first kiss, Hakkai knew Gojyo had thought about the consequences, about how the kiss would affect their friendship. And Gojyo claimed it boldly and without hesitation anyway. Surely it wasn't a mere lust that drove Gojyo to kiss him like that. 

What if… if he gave Gojyo what he wanted. No harm done, he guessed, since he also wanted Gojyo. Only that he couldn't give himself totally…yet. His mind told him to be patient, because if he came to Gojyo to early, he might tremble like he did just now. But with all his being Hakkai wanted to take away the hurt, anger and sadness that he had put in Gojyo's eyes. He wanted to do fast and he didn't care if he wasn't ready. 

* * * * * * 

Gojyo opened his eyes, welcoming the bright and warm sunlight. He looked aside and saw his housemate's bed was empty and tidy. _Good, at least I don't have to see Hakkai this morning and suffer another round of humiliation._ He got off his bed and took a shower. 

Gojyo was zipping his black pants, when a voice called cheerfully from behind, nearly causing him to jump into in air with surprise. "Good morning, Gojyo." 

"Hakkai! Don't do that!" Gojyo grabbed his heart, but still unable to look at the green-eyed man behind him. 

He could hear, Hakkai walked toward him, tentative and unsure. "Um…Gojyo?" 

"Yeah?" Gojyo's voice was as uncomfortable as Hakkai. 

"Would you turn around and look at me?" 

Gojyo was hesitated and after a few moments, Gojyo let out a resigned sigh and turned around. "Hakkai, if it about last night, you don't have to explain anything…" 

"Sshh…" Hakkai cut in. He looked at a pair of ruby eyes that he had become attached to. If he had to spend another day watching those eyes filled with hurt, Hakkai knew he couldn't bear it. And now, he knew it wasn't because he was indebted to Gojyo that made him to give himself to Gojyo even though he wasn't ready. It was more than a mere fondness between friends. Sometimes, he thought he had known Gojyo for so long that made him felt both of them had souls that entwined with each other. 

"It is about last night and I…I…" 

Gojyo waited, hoping Hakkai would say he was already got over his past and ready to move on. But he could see Hakkai was flustered. Last night, during those frustrating tossing and turning, Gojyo finally realized that maybe it wasn't him Hakkai trembling for. It was his past and Gojyo was certain of that. After having his mother so closed to him, when she tried to kill him, Gojyo used to have nightmares. Well, not used to, the dreams were still haunting him once in a while… _He isn't ready, damn it! He is going to say all those things you wanted to hear and he is going to force himself to please you! _

"All that I wanted to say is… well…" 

_If you are such a heartless bastard, you will say yes. _

"If you want me, Gojyo, I am… you know…okay with that…" 

_Are you a heartless bastard, Gojyo? _

Gojyo closed his eyes. "No." 

* * * * * * 


	2. Ask me

"No?" Hakkai's voice came out soft and yet full with disbelief. His eyes were wide as they were filled with liquid apprehension. 

Gojyo looked away. With all his heart he wanted to say yes, yes, yes and yes. But his mind and his logic were still working despite the yelling of protest his body made. _No… _Gojyo thought. _There is no way I'm going to fool both me and Hakkai by pretending Hakkai is ready to have another relationship. _And risked the fact that Hakkai might get hurt again. Or him. 

But Hakkai was a good… no scratched that… Hakkai was an excellent pretender and he? He was the man who cursed when he felt like to, smirked when something amusing came up and slept with women when they came. He lived the life to the fullest and felt things passionately. Hakkai might be able to have a relationship that he didn't enjoy, but Gojyo couldn't. He would feel guilty, felt like he was a bastard and especially felt hurt that he knew he wouldn't want to experience again. He knew how hard it was to have a one-way relationship. 

"Gojyo…?" 

"No, Hakkai…" Gojyo took a good, cautious step backward, fearing he might lose all his rationality and started to kiss Hakkai. _Damn it, does he aware how much he affected me by just looking that? _Then Gojyo let out a mental laugh. _Of course not. All he can think of is paying back all the debts. _"You are not ready…" With his might, Gojyo strained the word 'yet' from escaping. He didn't know about that… 

"I am ready," Hakkai protested. What he would give to have a glimpse of Gojyo's mind. Last night, Gojyo's passion was so real, so burningly hot that Hakkai sure Gojyo wasn't pretending. And that kiss… Hakkai could feel a shot of shiver ran through his spine, couldn't decide whether it was from the desire he thought he would never feel again or it was from the dark memories that arose suddenly. Whatever it was, Hakkai knew that his first kiss from Gojyo was irrevocably unforgettable. 

"No, you're not, Hakkai." Gojyo took another cautious step backward. And each step that he took was getting heavy and more reluctant. "Quit pretending you can because I can't take it." 

Gojyo was slipping away from him, Hakkai realized with a sudden panic. He didn't know why but the more Gojyo moved backward, the more Hakkai felt he was losing his friend. So, he quickly took a few short steps forward, closing the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Gojyo's chest. The redhead was a good few centimeters higher from Hakkai and Hakkai's temple slightly grazed Gojyo's saber-sharped jaws as he put his chin on Gojyo's shoulder, feeling Gojyo's breath ragged slightly, from his nearness, he guessed. Or hoped. 

"Gojyo… I am ready," Hakkai's voice came out firm. He was sure as ever, in fact, he had never felt any surer than he felt right now. 

"Are you, Hakkai?" Gojyo asked. He could feel the heat Hakkai gave to him with his arms wrapped around his chest and Gojyo had used all his willpower not to return the embrace. "What if I could prove you wrong?" The green-eyed demon lifted his head and looked up at the redhead. In Hakkai's clear emerald eyes, Gojyo could see the questions that were displaying them. 

"Like this…" Gojyo's hands came up to grasp Hakkai's jaw, pulling the latter's head upward gently and covered his mouth over the Hakkai's smooth lips. With the expertise that he had practiced over the years, Gojyo coaxed Hakkai to part his lips, so that Gojyo could penetrate in and taste all the flavors that he had tasted last night. Gojyo expected Hakkai to release his embrace around his chest, as the dark memories Gojyo knew would come consumed every inch of Hakkai's mind, but instead, Hakkai was tightening it, secured it, as if he tried to tell Gojyo that he had not the intention to ever letting him go. 

Gojyo let out a groan. All his intentions to prove that his friend wasn't ready to be involved in a relationship with him vanished the moment Hakkai drew his body closer and fitted perfectly in Gojyo's body. With an instinct of five hundred years, Gojyo shifted one of his hands from Hakkai's jaws and slid it sensuously to the back of Hakkai's nape, pulling Hakkai's lips closer against his, so he could dive in deeper in the sweet tempting cave of Hakkai's mouth. 

The kiss went on, and on, and on… oh, goodness, Hakkai knew it must have an eternity already because to him, all sense of time and being were swept away from him. He couldn't think, he couldn't even open his eyes for all he could do now was feel, feel and feel. His senses heightened in such levels that Hakkai never knew he could feel. Gojyo affected him. He definitely affected him in such an intense and passionate way that Hakkai knew that this was absolutely right. His vacant soul had been searching everywhere to be filled this way… and he had found it. 

Gojyo was sweeping him off his feet… Hakkai could feel his legs went weak and his embrace was getting tighter and firmer. And it was at that time, the cursed dark memories decided to attack him. He remembered feeling his knees this weak, it felt so long ago… but not that long… and it wasn't because of being so consumed in desire but from rapidly losing his energy after killing so many demons. He remembered the feeling of breathlessness, but not because of the way Gojyo was so breathtakingly kissing him but from the choking scent of blood. Oh god… the scent was everyway, he couldn't breathe… he was choking and he was damned forever in hell… 

Gojyo could feel the similar feeling of trembling that he had anticipated. _Shit! I did warn him, didn't I? _Slowly Gojyo lifted his flushed lips from Hakkai's and intently watched Hakkai's pale face and close-eyes, wondering whether Hakkai was alright. "Hakkai…" Gojyo called him, when he realized Hakkai wasn't even aware of his current surrounding. _Shit…,_

"Hakkai!" Gojyo called, this time with more forced tone. "Hakkai! Snap out of it!" Panic seized him and Gojyo now wished he hadn't even tried to prove it to Hakkai. If Hakkai wasn't so damned stubborn, he would have walk out from the house long before the whole kiss started. 

The green eyes appeared and for a while they looked wild. But when Hakkai recognized the same compassionate and concerned fiery eyes of his dear friend, he calmed down and still reluctant to let the embrace fall apart. Great… Hakkai thought, feeling his heart sank. "Gojyo… I…" 

"Damn foolish, bastard!" Gojyo snarled, not bothered to hide his intense relief when he saw Hakkai had returned from his la-la land. "Don't you dare do that again!" 

"I…" Hakkai didn't know what else to say. He was as guilty as charge. He wasn't ready, but stupidly stubborn to say otherwise. Who was he to fool Gojyo? To fool the one who knew him very well? But he still reluctant to release Gojyo's chest. 

The atmosphere was so still. Hakkai with his guilt and Gojyo with his quiet anger. But Gojyo didn't know to whom he should be angry with. 

Was he angry at the destiny for placing Hakkai at his feet that night? No… it couldn't be that. Finding Hakkai was like finding the purpose of his life again. 

Was he angry with Hakkai for invoking such burning passion and emotion in him? Maybe… but then, if Hakkai didn't, Gojyo wouldn't know he could feel something beyond lust. 

Was he angry with himself for being so easily ensnared by Hakkai's allure? …Yes! If only he kept his eyes only on all the pretty girls around him, he wouldn't be in this predicament. 

_But now you are, Gojyo, you want him with all your heart, your being; you could taste it with your tongue and feel it with your fingertips. _… … _What are you going to do now? _

Gojyo closed his eyes. He could no longer deny that more than he could deny the sun when its time had come to replace the moon. The feeling was so real and it came so fast that he couldn't avoid even he wanted too. He knew how he felt about Hakkai; the guy who had come into his life almost two years ago and colored his life with his porcelain smiles and deep but empty green stares. 

"Gojyo, I…" Hakkai tried again as he pulled himself away from Gojyo, so he could see Gojyo's face. The silence was killing him. It wasn't like Gojyo at all to just keep silent and not venting all his anger and frustration to him. But Gojyo's face was almost expressionless. 

"Don't do this…" Hakkai said. The painful tugged in his heart was too obvious to be ignored. "Don't shut me out. I-" 

"Tell me something, Hakkai," Gojyo said, cutting off Hakkai's next word. "When you said you are ready, did you say it out of gratitude of what I've done to you for these past years or you really mean the words you've said." 

Gojyo watched Hakkai's face, wondering whether his words had hit the mark. But the surprise look in his face was as if Gojyo told him that today was Monday not Tuesday. Damn his fucking mask! Gojyo couldn't judge Hakkai. Not until he ripped the mask apart! 

"How could you think like that," Hakkai answered back, his tone was almost inaudible and his face turned pale. "Do you think I'm some kind of whore that needs to be paid?" It was Hakkai's turn to retreat. His green eyes looked up, searching for Gojyo's red ones; searching for assurance that he didn't mean it. Not the way Hakkai thought he would. But when Hakkai found none, his fists curled up and trembling from the pressure. 

Gojyo could throw himself to cliff right now. He never meant to hurt Hakkai. But he was hurting too and all he could think of was hurting Hakkai back. Looking at Hakkai's disbelief and angry face, he knew he had succeeded but why he felt so damned fucking bad? "Hakkai… I didn't mean that-" 

Gojyo never had the chance to finish his apologies when Hakkai's powerful fist connected to his jaw. The assault was unexpected and Gojyo stumbled backward in shock as his hand instantaneously covered his jaws and bleeding lips. 

Hakkai's green eyes were blazing and alive for the first time for two years and despite Gojyo's shock of Hakkai's assault, he couldn't help noticing how much beautiful Hakkai's eyes were if they were glittering with anger rather than empty with nothingness. "I have given you my pride and dignity when I said that I want you and you… you… " Hakkai was breathless with the anger he felt in his heart and he let go another punch. "You shredded them by saying those words!" He felt warm. The anger he felt towards Gojyo warmed the ice he built around his heart. 

Gojyo wiped the blood away, noticing the transformation of Hakkai, from cold and isolated into hot and burning with emotion. He wanted Hakkai like this. He wanted Hakkai to punch him when he was angry. He wanted Hakkai to laugh when he was happy. He wanted Hakkai to kiss him when he wanted him. He wanted Hakkai to show him a sign to support his words. How could anyone say 'I want you' with face so expressionless and eyes so blank? Why would anyone with any pride believed those words? And Gojyo was the man who had a great deal of pride. 

When Hakkai saw that Gojyo didn't say anything back, the anger he felt doubled. "You think I feel indebted to you, aren't you?" The ice was melting. The fire of anger was burning so hot. "Well, I am! But I am not that cheap that I would go around and say 'I want you' to anyone who saves my life!" He walked toward Gojyo and stood so close in front of him, radiating the heat of anger. "And I thought it was you who kiss me FIRST!" Hakkai shouted the last word. 

Gojyo blinked at Hakkai's sudden outburst. He had never seen this side of Hakkai in his all life and if anyone asked, Gojyo would say he liked this so damn much. Who said Hakkai was so dull and soft-spoken? Suddenly, Gojyo laughed. A laugh that came straight from the heart and stopped the suspicious venom from seeping deeper into his mind and heart. This was the sign! It was the bloody sign that he had wanted Hakkai to show him! 

The laugh caused Hakkai's anger to fade a little and confusion creased his brows. "What's so funny?" 

Gojyo didn't answer. He was so light-hearted that he could take Hakkai to the bed right now and continue where he had left off last night. But he knew, despite the sign that Hakkai showed him, Hakkai still couldn't take the fast-moving relationship that Gojyo usually had. He wasn't ready but he wanted it as much as Gojyo did. If Hakkai asked him to wait for him, Gojyo knew he would wait for him for as long as Hakkai wanted him to, now that he had the sign from Hakkai. 

Instead of answering Hakkai's question, he captured Hakkai's eyes with his deep and intense blood-red eyes, so they would look into him as well. Gojyo lifted his hand (the same hand that he used to wipe off the blood from his lips) and caressed Hakkai's jaws, leaving a faint trail of red liquid along it. 

Hakkai was dumbfounded. Gojyo's sudden transformation from laughing into intensely sensual was surprising. But the feel of Gojyo feather-like touches totally wasn't expected. Hakkai thought Gojyo would punch him back after those two punches that managed to split his lips. But judging the way Gojyo's red-velvet eyes caressing his eyes and the way Gojyo's fingers softly teasing his jaws, he knew Gojyo was more likely going to kiss him. 

"Hakkai…" Gojyo whispered and Hakkai could hear a faint laughing sound in his whisper. More like relief. "You drive me hot for one second and leave me cold and unsatisfied next. And now… after all the commotion, you drive me hot once again in just a matter of second." As he whispered those words, he pulled Hakkai's head upward so his lips would accessible for his lips and tongue. ""I will be a fool to let you have that much effects on me." His lips were only a breath away when Gojyo stopped. "And you know what, Hakkai…?" 

Hakkai drew out a shaky breath, whether from anticipation or dread, amazed by how easy it was for Gojyo to wove his spell around him. If Gojyo was talking about driving someone hot and leaving him unsatisfied, it was supposed to be Gojyo, not him. "W…What?" 

"I am a fool after all," Gojyo said with a smile and his lips touched Hakkai's lips once again. And again, Hakkai closed his eyes and feel the sensation of Gojyo's tongue exploring his mouth. Ah…yes, he could do this a thousand times and even more. It was as if he had done this before. The feeling of déjà vu consumed him when Hakkai wrapped his arms around Gojyo's neck and slid his hand through Gojyo's thick mane. It was getting stronger when he felt Gojyo pulled him closer and caressed the spine along his back 

When Gojyo kissed him, the world seemed to be Hakkai's smallest concern. He cared less about Gojyo's words, intentions and sudden change. He cared even less his anger. He could feel Gojyo carried him to… to where…? He couldn't see with his eyes closed and he didn't even want to open it. Soft… warm… it was bed. Oh… Gojyo wanted to do it now? In a bright daylight? Well, he wasn't complaining of course, if it means he could see all Gojyo had got to offer. That was, if he could open his eyes. 

He could feel Gojyo's lips were leaving him. A disappointing groan almost escaped but he wisely held it back. It wasn't good if Gojyo knew the effect he had on him. Well, he would keep it back as long as he could, which wasn't long since, Gojyo's lips were already biting and licking his neck as of he was an ice-cream. A warm ice cream that was it. …It felt so good, he had almost forgotten about it… and he was glad it was Gojyo who was going make him remembered it back. 

Great…he bit his lips to forbid any sound from coming out but Gojyo was already on his flat stomach, kissing every scar and disrobing him with a sudden rush of impatient. He guessed he had only a matter of second before Gojyo had finished disrobing him and he would be groaning and panting, discarding all his intention not to let out any sound. Oh… great… Gojyo had finished and he could hear the sound of his clothes tossed onto the floor. Or was it Gojyo's? Who knew? Maybe both… 

Just as Hakkai prepared himself for the sensation that he knew Gojyo would give him, dark memories began to found their way in. Please… Hakkai prayed… please not now. Not when he was so close to have Gojyo. _Torture me later when this was all over and I won't complain a bit… Just let me experience this… _

_Not yet… Gojyo… _Gojyo told himself. _Not so fast… or you will frighten him again… _With much difficulty, Gojyo pulled himself away from the thing that tempted him the most and trailed down his kisses along Hakkai's smooth back and ended his kiss onto back of Hakkai's neck. He could feel Hakkai's body trembled as he embraced him from behind. _Shit…_

Gojyo placed a kiss on Hakkai's ear and whispered, "Hakkai… don't go there." 

He could hear Gojyo's calling but it was so far and he didn't know where to go, so he could go to the voice. But from the deepest part of his mind started to bring the sound of dying demons back to life. The accusing but yet heart-breaking voice of his lover before she cut her throat and ended her life in front of him. The sounds were killing him, ripping his sane mind away… 

Gojyo pulled Hakkai closer. "Come back, Hakkai… Don't go where I can't go…" 

The voice was calling him again. It wasn't like any of the sounds… just voice… calling him back. _Get a grip of yourself, Hakkai! _A sudden strength within him emerged and with that Hakkai opened his eyes. He looked back and saw Gojyo. No accusation, no anger… Gojyo looked at him in such an indescribable way. 

"Gojyo… I…" Hakkai started because he felt he was compelled to do so. 

But Gojyo just kissed him and after a while he lifted his lips again. "Ask me," Gojyo commanded. 

"Ask you what?" Hakkai was confused and he was breathless too. 

"Ask me to wait for you." 

Hakkai's eyes went wide with comprehension. "Gojyo, I could never do that. I…I may never get over my past and if I ever did, it may take forever. I don't want_ you_ to wait. _I _don't want to wait. I want you…now." 

"Ask me, Hakkai!" 

"I won't." Hakkai said stubbornly. "I am bound forever to have this curse. To remember my sins for as long as I live. If I asked you to wait for me, we may never…" 

"Damn it, Hakkai! I've waited for you for five hundred years already! A few more years don't concern me that much!" Gojyo said harshly. He was so frustrated that he didn't know what he was talking about. 

"It may take more than…" Hakkai stopped and looked at Gojyo. "Five hundred years?" 

"What?" Gojyo asked back. 

"You said you've waited for me for five hundred years. Why?" 

"I did? I… I… Shit! I don't know, okay! It just came out from nowhere. Anyway, ask me Hakkai." 

"Why are you doing this? Don't you want me?" Hakkai asked quietly. 

Gojyo's eyes softened and he could feel lust tightened his body. "You have no idea what you are doing to me! I want you so damn much that I wouldn't be surprised if I ever waited for you for five hundred years. But waiting that long… Hakkai, I want all. Not just what you can offer, what you _have _to offer. I know you have more to give, Hakkai. And if it takes time, then I'll give you time." 

"Gojyo… I… What if I never…" Hakkai couldn't finish his sentence. He wanted to please Gojyo right now, right in this broad daylight but he didn't want to be trapped in his memories again. 

"Bullshit!" Gojyo objected fiercely. "I will get you through this. Even it takes for the rest of my life, I will get you through this!" 

Hakkai looked at Gojyo's eyes and he saw determination. He knew he couldn't deny Gojyo's request any longer. Taking a deep breath, Hakkai opened his mouth. "Gojyo, will you wait for me?" 

Gojyo smiled. "Yes, I will." 

Hakkai smiled too. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because Gojyo was smiling. "So, what about the phrase 'so long we both are aware of that'?" 

"Well, I think…" Gojyo took the chance to kiss the smiling lips of Hakkai. "That phrase can go to straight to hell!" And he continued the kiss. 

* * * * * * 

Sorry. I take so long to finish this. Phew… Okay now, please review! ^_^ 


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